You want me to live? YOU WANT ME TO LIVE? Are you out of your FUCKING mind? You're not dragging me through this with you. You don't understand. Breathing, you know breathing? Breathing fucking HURTS me. You're not taking me through the ringer any longer. I'm not gonna make. I don't wanna make it. I can't feel, like i used to feel. I can never feel as if i'm even HUMAN anymore. God i wish i was nothing. I wish i was the literal embodiment of emptiness. The deity. The god of it. Death seems like the only way i can rip myself out of this mortal plane and ascend my throne of un-life. I've got plans. You can't deter me. It's not my fault if you gave birth, befriended, loved, or have desired to be by my side through life. It's not my fault if you wanted to see me through this. I've made other arrangements. Everything that is wrong with me, says to me, that it will all start to feel good to me if go into the dark. It's calling me. Everything that's in me tells me i wasn't meant to do this with you. I can't be me while i'm here with you. Sometimes i can't take it. I love you. Don't ever think i don't love you. I just wish sometimes that you had never loved me. Because it would make my departure so much easier. But you want me to stick around for a little longer and i'm tired of bullshitting you with this act of being a person. When i go...use me. Use me as a warning sign. A label of fuck upery. Don't let anyone you know ever turn out like me. Don't you let them. I'm not asking you to make me a matry. I'm asking you to use me, my mistakes, my sins, as a model of how it could go wrong. Don't ever let anyone have the opportunity to feel like i do. Because i won't be able to guide them away from where i will reside. They deserve so much better. If they weren't me, then they had a chance. I want to go so badly. But you make it seem like i'll miss so much if i disappear. But do you really want me to stay? You don't know won't know what i'll become. You don't wanna watch what happens to me after i'm forced to stand the test of time. You know i'm not perfect. You don't know that i'm a fucking MONSTER. I don't want you to see me. I don't want you to look at me the way i look at myself in the mirror.
God i wish i was nothing. I wish i was the embodiment of emptiness. The deity of the abyss.
serenity is only found when there is nothing there to disturb it
THE GOD OF PEACE